John Rosemond: Living With Children

July/Aug. 2011 - The Needs of the Many Outweigh the Needs of the Child

Tuesday, 16 August 2011 16:50

By John Rosemond

I’m reasonably certain that my parents never used the term “John’s needs.” Since having this thought, I’ve asked a handful of folks my age, “Do you think your parents ever talked about your needs and how to best meet them?”

Every time, a smile breaks out on the person’s face, then he or she chuckles and answers, “I don’t think so.”

Today’s parents, by contrast, talk about their children’s “needs” a good amount. They aren’t referring, however, to actual needs like air, food, clean water, protection from the elements, and good medical care in the event of illness. They’re actually referring to entitlements like a child’s “need” to have teachers who recognize and respond properly (according to the child’s parents’ definition of the term) to the child’s unique learning style and the “need” for the child to experience life without ever experiencing failure or emotional distress of any sort (if that can be accurately called life).

Parents with this sort of orientation were once called overprotective. It was recognized that despite their intentions, they were doing slow but sure harm to their children. Today, what was once anomalous has become the norm. And the harm is apparent. Compared with my generation, today’s children perform less well in school at every grade and are considerably more likely to experience serious emotional problems before adulthood. They are also having great difficulty uncoupling themselves from their parents’ protections and successfully emancipating.

The difference is that today’s parents believe their responsibility is to their children whereas the parents of two generations past believed their responsibility was to the culture. Today’s parents are trying to insure their children’s success and happiness. Yesterday’s parents were trying to produce good citizens, which is why they said things like “good citizenship begins at home.” The fact that parents no longer talk like that means something.

Yesterday’s parents saw the raising of children through wide-angle lenses while today’s parents have tunnel vision, and the entire visual field at the end of any given tunnel is occupied by a child. Today’s parents have great difficulty placing their children in a broad socio-cultural context.

They’re also near-sighted. When I ask one of them, “What is your mission statement?” they look at me like I’m speaking a dead language, which I suppose I am. Do they not know what they’re trying to accomplish?

I propose that yesterday’s parents had it right. The only proper end goal of child rearing in America is to strengthen America. It is not all about the child. It is about one’s responsibility to this country. It’s not about raising a child who makes straight A’s, earns a scholarship to a top-tier college, is the best center-forward in the NCAA, etcetera. It’s about raising an adult who will be a good neighbor, someone who will be helpful and courteous and respectful and compassionate and charitable and responsible and so on. Most of all, it’s about raising a child who will pass the baton of good citizenship properly to his or her kids.

When that’s the goal, everything else will fall into its proper place.

The child may not make the best grades, but he will will respect adults and do his best. As an adult, he may not wear an Italian silk tie to work or make a lot of money, but he will be a good neighbor.

In short, it’s not about the child’s supposed needs; it’s about what America needs.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com. © 2011, John K. Rosemond.

Read 0 Comments... >>

April 2011 - Think Your Kid Needs a Cell Phone? Think Again!

Thursday, 07 April 2011 18:24

John Rosemond Living With Children

By John Rosemond

A reader asks if I have ever written a column on texting while eating in restaurants. She writes: “Recently my husband and I observed a small group at a table near us in a local restaurant. There were two teenage boys and a mother. They never talked to one another the entire time. All they did was text and play with various electronic gadgets. I asked our waiter if this happened a lot and he said it was the norm. He also told us that he often has to wait while taking an order until a person gets off their cell phone. My daughter-in-law thinks I am old-fashioned in thinking this because, she says, it’s so difficult to talk to teens these days. What do you think?”

For the umpteenth time, I do not believe children should have cell phones until they are old enough to pay for them, including the monthly bills. The usual argument is that the parent wants the child to have a cell phone in case of emergency, but this isn’t why teens want cell phones, and the evidence is strong to the effect that they cause emergencies (as in car crashes), not prevent them. The fact is, most teens who have cell phones have parents who can’t say no.

As this reader points out, parents give children cell phones, but don’t teach them cell phone manners, which include not using a cell phone during social conversation (to make or receive a call), in someone else’s home, in a restaurant, in a quiet location and when using a cell phone, don’t use your “outside voice.” As for it being difficult to talk to teens these days, my reaction, to borrow from their own vernacular: Duh.

And now, on to a more uplifting topic: Several weeks ago, a mom wrote complaining that her 4-year-old daughter would not wear the clothes picked out the night before, even if she had agreed to the selection when it was made, even if she had picked them out herself! Mom said, “When we’re at home, she can wear what she wants, but if we’re going out, I pick her outfit for her. She never fails to cry and pitch a fit. I make her wear it anyway. Am I taking this too seriously?”

I replied, “No, you're not taking this too seriously. This is the start of even bigger problems if not nipped in the bud. Tell her that her doctor says YOU are to pick out her clothes the night before. Wake her up in the morning, set a timer for 15 minutes, and leave her room. If she's not dressed by the time the timer goes off, then ‘the doctor’ says that means she needs more sleep and has to go to bed right after supper that night. Do this like clockwork for a week and let me know how it's going.”

One week later, mom wrote, “Thank you so much for your advice. I have used your ‘doctor’ technique with my daughter continually for about a week. She has yet to go to bed early. She tells me she just ‘loves’ whatever outfit I pick out. I even tried an outfit I had problems getting her to wear and she complained to me about it for a minute. I simply said ‘Oh, well you can wear it or go to sleep early tonight, you decide.’ It worked like a charm! No more clothing drama! Yey!”

From “Oy vey!” to “Yey!” in a week. Not bad. Another diagnosis averted. I will keep saying it and trying to prove it until I’m no longer able to say anything coherent: Raising children is not rocket science. You simply take one part cool, calm and collected, blend that in with one part confidence in the legitimacy of your authority, sprinkle with a sense of humor and a dash of ingenuity, and you’ve got it!

John Rosemond answers parents’ questions at www.rosemond.com. © 2011, John K. Rosemond.

Read 0 Comments... >>

More Articles...