Q: Our 13-year-old daughter recently told us that she wants to be like everyone else even if that means doing the wrong thing. She gets as close to trouble as possible and lots of times goes head on into it. We let her "hang herself" and then suffer the consequence. And the consequences are not pleasant. We see a very turbulent future ahead for her. Any advice?
A: Your daughter sounds very much like a certain headstrong teenager I once knew who although reasonably intelligent seemed to have a talent for making stupid decisions, mostly because he too wanted to be accepted by his peers. He eventually straightened himself out (with the able assistance of a few college professors and later, a wife) and managed to become a respected (if controversial) parenting pundit. Like your daughter, said young man had to learn his lessons the hard way.
That turbulent time in my life taught me several things that have proven valuable in my career:
First, good parenting does not guarantee that a child will make good decisions. Furthermore, the fact that a child makes bad decisions, even lots of them, does not mean the child’s parents have done anything wrong. Free will is both a blessing and a curse.
Second, there comes a time when some parents need to accept that they have done and are doing all they can possibly do to help their kids learn that happiness and responsible behavior go hand-in-hand. These parents need to accept that they are not the appointed agents of change in their kids’ lives; that those agents may not show up until their kids are well into their adult years. The older I get, the more convinced I become that something one might call Fate is active in each of our lives.
The third lesson is what I call the “Keep on Keepin’ On Principle”: If a child does the wrong thing, and parents do the right thing (which it sounds like you most certainly are), and the child willfully keeps right on doing the wrong thing (like your daughter), the parents should simply keep right on doing the right thing. And yes, they should keep on keepin’ on even though it seems to be having no effect.
If you haven’t already, you need to sit down and have what I call a “defining conversation” with your daughter. Begin by telling her that you understand her desire to be accepted. Unfortunately, she’s decided she wants to be accepted by the wrong people. As a consequence, she ends up doing wrong things. In which case, you are forced to punish her.
Say, “You’re much too young to understand this, but we punish you because we love you. It would be irresponsible of us not to punish you when you misbehave. You probably know kids who have parents like that. You are trying to be like those kids. We are not going to be like their parents. So when you misbehave, we’re going to take away your freedom. That’s what’s going to happen to you if you misbehave as an adult, and we’re trying to help you learn that lesson now, not later.”
The purpose of this one-sided conversation is not to change her thinking, because you probably can’t right now (as you’ve already discovered). It is simply to put your cards on the table, so that she knows that you are going to be purposeful for as long as it takes.
There will likely come a time—it may be next year, it may be years from now—when your daughter will tell you that she finally understands and appreciates what you are doing or what you did. Until then, just keep on keepin’ on.
Q: My husband and I have five kids ages 11, 10, 7, 5, and 22 months. I would love to keep activities to a minimum to give the kids more time to be kids, but I am finding that to be difficult. The two oldest are boys, and both are involved in scouting as well as music lessons. The girls, ages 7 and 5, are both involved in one dance class each, and the 7-year-old will start piano lessons in the Fall, along with girl scouts once a month and a church group that meets twice a month. They all attend a charter school which does not have a bus and is 20 minutes from our house, so I feel like I am constantly dragging the baby in the car to and from school and activities. Individually, I don't think any one of them has an excess of activities. But collectively it’s overwhelming at times. It is rare to have a day when we are not running to something. I want them to have opportunities to learn new skills, but it seems to come at a high cost. What would you recommend?
A: If I may be so bold, I think you’ve lost perspective on what’s truly important here. You’re thinking in terms of one child at a time, but you’re not considering the impact all of this running around is having on the needs of your family as a unit.
I happen to believe that a family is more important than any one person in it. There are certainly times when the needs of a certain member of the family trump all other considerations, as when someone becomes dangerously ill, but those situations are exceptional, not the rule.
If you can find the time to think in terms of that big picture, I think you’ll have to conclude that the children’s activities schedule is taking a toll on your family’s quality of life. In the final analysis, that’s not good for anyone. It’s not good for you to be so consumed by kids’ activities that you have no time for yourself. It’s not good for your marriage that you are probably in a state of near-constant exhaustion by the end of the day. It’s not good for your toddler to be dragged around so much. It’s not even good for your older children to be the focus of so much parental energy. They aren’t learning to put themselves into proper perspective. They’re learning that what they want to do, they deserve to do. That attitude is certainly not conducive to give-and-take in relationships.
Worst of all, your family is slowly fading into non-existence. You have Susie time and Billy time and so on, but you’ve all but admitted that you have no truly family time, which is the most important time of all. In my estimation, you’d do well to cancel most of these activities and use the time to go on picnics, take trips to museums, and the like.
I recommend that you begin your family’s rehabilitation by sitting down with the kids—both you and your husband should be present—and simply present them with the facts: Their activities have become too much. You need to take a permanent breather from being a chauffeur. You need to have some time for yourself, and you and their father need time for just the two of you.
Then set the limit. For example, you’ll drive a maximum of four hours a week (including wait time). That’s one hour for each child. That’s gracious plenty! Then have them help you work out what stays and what goes. There’s bound to be some complaining, so you’re probably going to have to make the final decisions. Keep in mind that none of these activities is going to make much difference when your children are adults. But putting your family first now may help them do the same when they have children.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions on his Web site at www.rosemond.com. © 2010, John K. Rosemond.
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