Stop the Bickering: Sibling vs. Sibling
By Dr. Brian G. Orr
You have put your rules on the refrigerator about fighting. You have clearly explained them to your kids. Yet, every morning the fights begin over again. “I want the blue cup.” You give the blue cup to one child and say it is his turn. Yet, the fight continues. You sternly insist that the blue cup is in its rightful place. But bickering continues over the plates, food and everything else through breakfast. You continue through breakfast settling every argument from who gets the Winnie the Pooh plate to who has more Cocoa Puffs. By the time breakfast is over you are ready to ship your kids out for good. What can you do to stop the constant bickering between your kids?
The most important concept regarding conflict between your kids is that your kids want you to be involved. They want you to settle their arguments for them whether it is in their favor or not. They just want you to be involved because it is a way for them to control you. Let’s watch Mom lose it while we bicker. Isn’t it a wonder what power and control we have over her!
Therefore, the key in ending bickering is decreasing your involvement in their conflicts. You cannot get involved verbally or emotionally. Even if kids get an emotional rise out of you they win. Minimize your words. Try not to correct them verbally over bickering; they will always have an answer. Remember; DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THEIR FIGHT.
Certainly you need to start with the rules. No hitting. No biting. No throwing things. No being too loud. Post these on your refrigerator and add your own. Just remember, only correct for what you witness. Otherwise you will be the arbiter of a hundred fights starting with “He bit me; no, I didn’t!” You cannot be sure who is right unless you witness the offense.
Here are rules for parents to follow regarding their bickering children. Stay uninvolved. Minimize your words. Stay uninvolved emotionally. Separate your kids with a touch and a word. Remember you are moving them but uninvolved verbally or emotionally with their conflict. Allow some low-level bickering. Kids are competitive and will have conflict. (Need I say that you shouldn’t be involved in their conflict?) Don’t admonish your kids over bickering: “All you two do is fight.” They will come to believe this is true. Praise them when they get along. However, some parents need to recognize that some siblings will never be “friends.”
If you believe that your kids fight to cause trouble for you, you may be right. It might mean it is time for you to step back and out of the conflict. A great book for parents is Siblings Without Rivalry. It may help a parent gain a perspective on why kids fight and how parents can learn to respond or not.
Brian Orr, M.D., is a board-certified pediatrician in practice for over 23 years. A fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics, he currently practices on Cape Ann, north of Boston. He has also practiced pediatrics in six countries and volunteered his services in the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Mexico and Honduras and on a medical van for the homeless in Boston for six years. His most recent book is “A Pediatrician’s Journal” (Beaufort Books, October 2008; $14). He lives in Boston with his wife and three children.
You have put your rules on the refrigerator about fighting. You have clearly explained them to your kids. Yet, every morning the fights begin over again. “I want the blue cup.” You give the blue cup to one child and say it is his turn. Yet, the fight continues. You sternly insist that the blue cup is in its rightful place. But bickering continues over the plates, food and everything else through breakfast. You continue through breakfast settling every argument from who gets the Winnie the Pooh plate to who has more Cocoa Puffs. By the time breakfast is over you are ready to ship your kids out for good. What can you do to stop the constant bickering between your kids? The most important concept regarding conflict between your kids is that your kids want you to be involved. They want you to settle their arguments for them whether it is in their favor or not. They just want you to be involved because it is a way for them to control you. Let’s watch Mom lose it while we bicker. Isn’t it a wonder what power and control we have over her!
Therefore, the key in ending bickering is decreasing your involvement in their conflicts. You cannot get involved verbally or emotionally. Even if kids get an emotional rise out of you they win. Minimize your words. Try not to correct them verbally over bickering; they will always have an answer. Remember; DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THEIR FIGHT.
Certainly you need to start with the rules. No hitting. No biting. No throwing things. No being too loud. Post these on your refrigerator and add your own. Just remember, only correct for what you witness. Otherwise you will be the arbiter of a hundred fights starting with “He bit me; no, I didn’t!” You cannot be sure who is right unless you witness the offense.
Here are rules for parents to follow regarding their bickering children. Stay uninvolved. Minimize your words. Stay uninvolved emotionally. Separate your kids with a touch and a word. Remember you are moving them but uninvolved verbally or emotionally with their conflict. Allow some low-level bickering. Kids are competitive and will have conflict. (Need I say that you shouldn’t be involved in their conflict?) Don’t admonish your kids over bickering: “All you two do is fight.” They will come to believe this is true. Praise them when they get along. However, some parents need to recognize that some siblings will never be “friends.”
If you believe that your kids fight to cause trouble for you, you may be right. It might mean it is time for you to step back and out of the conflict. A great book for parents is Siblings Without Rivalry. It may help a parent gain a perspective on why kids fight and how parents can learn to respond or not.
Brian Orr, M.D., is a board-certified pediatrician in practice for over 23 years. A fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics, he currently practices on Cape Ann, north of Boston. He has also practiced pediatrics in six countries and volunteered his services in the Dominican Republic, the Bahamas, Mexico and Honduras and on a medical van for the homeless in Boston for six years. His most recent book is “A Pediatrician’s Journal” (Beaufort Books, October 2008; $14). He lives in Boston with his wife and three children.
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